Ah, bullying is for the kids

If I had a statement directed at the title of this blog, it would simply be "bull crap!!!!" We'll, today that is. You see, I believe I was a victim of bullying. I had a sweet and very dear friend to me text me last week asking for prayers because she was being verbally bullied at work. That BLEW my mind! We are grown adults... Who does that any more?? Apparently, I was to be taught a lesson. Today I get to work, and a co-worker, who I thought I was somewhat friends with, decided to break me down in the worst way possible. He told me that every single person in the whole building did not like me, nor did they like working with me. He called me a "porcupine" (still not sure why), but above else, he said I was "TOO sensitive". Let me take you back to my job description. The title I have is...(ready for this???)....Commission Sales person. "Too sensitive.... Commission sales". I'm no dummy, they don't mix. Duh. The person telling me this? The LEAD sales person of the company.

Fast forward, I'll save you of the depressing - cant- answer- the - phone- or-talk-because-I-might-burst-into-tears-details. On my way home, my step daughter says something that is just so hilarious to me. Not even really funny, but after the hell I had been through today, it lifted my spirits. It just for a second gave me a glimpse into the innocent lives and minds if children. So free, simple, naive, momentary. And then my heart broke, thinking of how they have to deal with this same heavy-heartless, painful feeling that bullying brings.

How do people do that? What makes them feel so numb when they see the tears roll down your face because of the words they said? What could make a person so motivated to do that to the point of feeling no remorse? I'm 26, and I got bullied. What age does it end?

Time is flying

So to say it's been a while is quite the understatement. I definitely misjudged how much time I was losing when I decided to work full time. It's a great opportunity for my family, but MAN! Do I miss my babies!!

In the next month, my babies will all be a year older. Maddox turns two on Monday, London turns one at the end of the month, and Brooklyn turns three beginning of March.

I think every mommy feels a little pit in the bottom of their stomach when the birthdays come around every year. I'm happy that we are moving on to more MOBILE activities and that we have a whole new world of adventures to embark on. But, I'm also sad that they are growing up so fast!

So here is a few of my favorite moments/realizations over the last year for each of my not so little babies!

London: Man does she know how to stick up for herself! She is one fiesty little lady! She has started mimicking words, her latest being "Thank you!" She is a thumb sucker, one thing I know I'll hate down the road, but it's so stinking cute when she grabs her blankie and sticks that thumb in her mouth... it also means it's cuddle time! She is my little cuddle budy, and I am so glad since I'm thinking she will always be the baby of the family!

Maddox: He's gotta be the chillest kid ever, but so funny! He says only a few words clearly. One of them is "POOP!" He HATES to have a dirty diaper, so he walks around following you saying, "poop, poop, poop" till you change him. And if you don't change him fast enough... he'll stick his hand in his pants! He's many-a-times painted with the nasty brown all over his crib and blankets. YUCK! He also has learned lately that when he says "Mommy, mom, mom, mommy" in the middle of the night, he gets a nice warm spot smack dab in between mommy and daddy in the big bed. I know I shouldn't cave, but since he's mostly a daddy's boy and always wants daddy, those moments just melt me. He is such a good kid, I'm truly a lucky mom. He never throws fits, and he's pretty chill.

Brooklyn: Man, where do I start? This girl just KILLS me! I know it's totally the "first mommy" moments, but where does she come up with this stuff? I asked her a few weeks ago where my heart was, and she said it's on my arm... you want it? Her latest things have been counting to ten on her own. She's finally getting the concept of boy vs girl, and he and her and hers and "hims". She has been such a momma's girl lately, it's really nice. We have fun putting make up on, doing her hair all cute, dancing, all the cute little girl things. My baby has grown up. It's just crazy!

I was sitting in the rocking chair cuddling Maddox back to sleep, and it just hit me how important I truly am to him and my two girls, but especially him. He has been such a momma's boy over the last almost two years that it's nice he has been wanting me the last few months. It really just hit me on how much of an influence I have in teaching him, nurturing him, and helping to mold him in to the man who respects women and the man who will lead his own family. I never really thought about this big, grown up parenting role like that. It brings me to tears to think that one more year of their little lives has passed, but it makes me so excited that I hopefully get to spend the rest of my life with them, God willing.

I'm a lucky mom. I'm lucky that I get to lead these kids in their younger years. I'm lucky that I get to hold, kiss, cuddle, and love on these little children. They hold my heart, and for that, I am so lucky.

New Year, New Goals

Sorry I have been MIA lately... life has been crazy- as I'm sure everyone's has been. I was the smart one who decided to start working full time just before the holidays. This working full time thing is wack! Yes, I just said wack. I don't know how y'all do it.  I think I am learning how to deal with a lot less control, and learning how to roll with the punches more. I am now DEFINITELY not that PINTEREST perfect (ahem... picture perfect...sorry). My hubby has stepped up a lot, we would be eating cereal with water if it wasn't for him.

I' m shocked at how many hits my blog about my sister has received. It's a good shock. If you haven't read it yet, you can see it here..http://growinggaithers.blogspot.com/2012/12/mental-health-epidemic-please-share-its.html Thank you for viewing and sharing. Since I wrote this, things have gotten worse. She went to court for a charge against her one of the times my mom was forced to call the cops on her. We were hoping they would court order treatment for her, but that wasn't the case. She has also, since my last post, stolen my mom's car for a joy ride and tried "over dosing" on Adderall. She is 13. I love my sister a ton, but I'm still scared for her safety, especially after she bragged about her driving capabilities.  But, that's NOT the direction I wanted to take this blog, so on to more positive things. Thank you for the support in this situation, though!

So, hello 2013! I'm surprisingly excited for a new year- most of the time I think it's just another day, but this year I am amped! I had a nice relaxing vacation with the family, bringing in the New Year in the way I hope it remains - simplified. I'm hoping this year I will be more organized, less chaos, less mess and less running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I'm purging of our old things, saving up for a brand new bedroom set, and also a mini van to haul my kiddos around. This year, my oldest will be going in to preschool, we will be pacifier and formula free for the first time in 3 years. I'm hoping to start MAKING time to redo furniture around my house, and enjoying my hobby. It's the first year that I feel like I have direction.

What are some things you hope to accomplish this year? What things do you know are going to change for the better? I'd love to hear!!

Mental Health Epidemic (please share... it's time for change)

I'm still in shock about what happened in Newtown, Connecticut last Friday, as I am sure you are, too. The greatest fear of a parent is losing a child. The fear is in the back of our minds when our babies are fresh out of the womb and the doctor has lectured us on the chance of SIDS. It is flashing its terror when we take our eyes off our children to look at a price tag on an adorable new shirt, just to look back down and the child has disappeared - luckily hiding under the hanging clothes on the next rack over. It is causing us to hold our babies closer, tighter before kissing them good night. I felt the heartbreak of that tragic day, but I also felt fear of something else.

I very well think I could be the family member who is on the other side of that tragedy. My little (but not so little) sister is mentally unstable. She is barely 13 years old, and has not attended school for about 2 years. She is adopted, the only African-American in a big white family, and mentally troubled.

I first met this sweet adorable girl when she was just six months old. I will never forget coming home from my last day of eighth grade to meet this little girl we got to foster with a bald spot on the back of her head and cute chubby cheeks. I fell in love, fast. I wanted her to be my own and was often jealous that my parents got her. My large family of 5 kids all fell in love, and we finally adopted her when she was two.

Now, she is a different girl. Taller than me, which I know is not a giant feat, with a bigger build. She is "socially awkward" as the news describes every mass murderer. She has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, determined a Sociopath. She feels no guilt, no remorse. It has been a constant battle to get her to school, so much that there's no point. I tried housing her, thinking maybe I could change her, but it ended with the police being called, and fear for my children. She has thrown a television down a flight of stairs directed at my step-dad. When she did not get to keep her cell phone after abuse of the data usage (use your imagination), she threatened to burn down the house, which also held my step-dads livelyhood - the books he sold on Amazon. She has led people that are across the country to believe that she is in precarious situations, using different aliases, making up untrue stories all indicating that she is in danger - random people she reaches by phone. She has voicemails of people, mostly random people from other parts of the country or schoolmates, threatening that if she calls again they will call the cops. She is that "creepy" person. She has almost overdosed (as she claimed) in an attempt to end her life. My little brother, almost 17, is developmentally delayed, and the combination of their conditions is not to be mixed. Her disabilities set off his, and they are constantly at war. She has not threatened murder, but she is still young... and I personally would not put it past her.

We have done everything to try and help her - called the cops an insane number of times, in-home counseling, admitted her to a mental institution (which only lasted days), tried to house her in an in-patient facility just to get denied, bounced her from house to house trying to see if we could fix her, and we are almost out of options. She needs help. My mom needs help. My sister is too big, too strong to be held back. We are THOSE people pleading for help so that my sister is not the next person on the news, taking her own life or someone elses.

Some of the conversation in media has been heading in the right direction - mental health NEEDS to be addressed. Services for kids who are capable of this NEED to be offered and accessible and AFORDABLE. The families need to have programs that support them... these moms need help. They can't do it on their own. They can't live with that fear. I need to know that I am safe, my mom is safe, my step-dad is safe, and my brothers and sisters are safe. Every parent and family member of sociopathic children need to know that they are safe. 

I read this blog post which has gone viral, called I am Adam Lanza's Mother and it opened up my eyes that we weren't the only ones screaming for help. She paved the way for the people who have swept this under the rug in an attempt to fake "normalcy", the "picture perfect life". It was nice to know we weren't alone. It was relieving to know we weren't the only ones with the financial issue, the frustration, the heartbreak. It's ironic because my sister currently is in Boise, Idaho, where the author lives, and the services have been better up there. She was admitted to a metal hospital much easier than here, where every time we call the cops, they stop by and do nothing. If it's this bad everywhere else, maybe THAT is the issue we need to focus on! Maybe we need to government to instead of talk about banning guns, they should help the people BEHIND the gun - the people who have mental issues affecting their judgement on morals and right and wrong. It's time we start making some noise, and realize theres more of us out here, and lets start making a change. Those little lives shouldn't die in vain, nor should Adam Lanza's mother, nor should we who have children with mental issues.

Jingle Bells

It's been a CRAZY week, or month I should say! I can't believe Christmas is just 12 days away! And here's a confession...

I haven't bought one gift yet! 

We JUST got our tree up. I hate that. But I am just SO exhausted after work that I don't have energy to do it, or I'm getting home after the kiddos are asleep. 

The joys of being a working momma I guess. 

Speaking of momma, for all of you out there who have had one or are expecting... isn't that last few weeks just a mess of emotions? I mean - happy, scared, content, impatient, curious, excited, nervous?  Those were my personal feelings... from first to third! Imagine being Mary and expecting the King of the World! What were her feelings, I wonder? Kinda interesting to think about. I never have learned much about Mary, or even been intrigued to learn more. For some reason, this season I am. Maybe because I am not expecting for the first time in the last 3 Christmases. I just can't imagine... I though I had pressure... but it can't be even CLOSE to how she must have felt! She was young, too! 

I hope everyone of you is doing better about being on it for Christmas! Do you have any quick ideas that will help me make this a great Christmas in a jiffy? I could use all the help I can get!!

Holy Macaroni!!

It's almost CHRISTMAS! I am SO far behind on even mentally wrapping my brain around the fact that Thanksgiving passed! We haven't decorated or even bought a present! Am I the only one that's lagging?

Lately, I have just felt so far behind on time. My grandma, who I miss tremendously, passed just a few weeks before Halloween. Time stopped; halloween passed; I was disconnected. Then, just a few days before Thanksgiving, another grandparent, my step-mother's father passed. Again, time stopped; Thanksgiving passed; I was disconnected. We come home from Albuquerque and there's Christmas decorations adorning the houses in my neighborhood. This last week, my step-dad is abulanced to the hospital where they realized he's had not one, but five strokes. The effects are enough to readjust everything, from his job to his home. Times froze. Or maybe my emotions have froze. I'm not sure.

Today we went to church... a MUCH needed break from life. I finally felt caught up in the moment, singing Joy to the World. I finally felt like I could take a deep breath, releasing myself to enjoy the fact that my most favorite holiday is around the corner. That, my friends, was a much needed feeling.

So, tomorrow, I'm blasting the Christmas music, singing praises to Immanuel, who is Christ with us, and I'm reverting to that child inside... counting the days till it's Christmas Eve. And regardless if my step-dad is at home, in the hospital still or rehab, Christmas is coming... and THIS GIRL is ready!

The mom who has been replaced

I started this post days ago, but I'm happy I didn't post due to my emotions running rampant. I've been a walking nut case for the last 4 (longest) days. This whole full-time working mom adjustment is so different than I even anticipated. My emotions may be crazy and you may call me dramatic, but their raw and sensitive and real right now.

I knew I would miss my kiddos, but I had no idea I'd have a better water works show than Old Faithful every morning after I kissed my kiddos and watched a near stranger cuddle them on the couch. I didn't realize that my heart would feel heavy and sorrowful through out the day bemidst a smiling happy face. I am a tough cookie most of the time... not easily shaken, but this has gone to my core.


And call me crazy, but this lady who comes to watch MY kids also does MY laundry, folds MY clothes, cleans MY toilets... and it bugs me. And she does it so flawlessly. She even cleaned my bedroom and bathroom... including the cupboard under my vanity and my shower. Dang her!

And my kids are happy and healthy and don't run to me screaming with outstretched arms when she walks through the door. My husband said that he came home and "it was AMAZING! The kids were sitting on the couch all well behaved, British school style, and the house was immaculate!" Dang her! (And him!)

I felt replaced... forgotten... unimportant. Didn't my kids miss me? Didn't my husband realize that this is her first week - she's probably just trying to show off? I did all that too... sometimes. I was a good stay-at-home mom... right?

But, like I said... I'm glad I'm writing this today and not 3 days ago. I've got perspective now. My kids miss me, and it's obvious. They took turns wanting me to hold them this morning, hugging, kissing and not letting me put them down. They miss me. My babysitter is awesome. I have the luxury of coming home to a clean house, my laundry done, and my kids healthy, happy, and content. I've got the best baby sitter ever. I realize now, that it's going to be OK. It's getting easier and easier to turn the pressure down on my leaking eyes in the morning. It's just hours till I'll see my babies again. It'll be ok.






On a different note... I'm getting ready to post my first give away. Hint... it has to do with JuJuBee. For all you new or soon to be moms, or a great gift idea, this one is for you! What would you do if you won??